He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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