Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
