if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
