I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
