Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
pray to the hookup gods
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
