i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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