Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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