i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize