I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
