Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think I sprained my soul last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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