It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize