My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
