why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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