One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
