Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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