so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
