I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Even my vagina gasped.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
