By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
