i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize