oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
