I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize