i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
