My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't turn off my feet"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
