...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize