Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
