Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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