The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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