I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i've created a new STD.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
