when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
