i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
