Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
