he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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