Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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