So drunk its hurt
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
