I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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