Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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