Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
