i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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