I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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