I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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