I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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