He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
