dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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