Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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