Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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