Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
