even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
