Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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