I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dear god my vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize