Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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