i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
time to smoke my breakfast
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
