Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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