apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
