apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
