someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
