fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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