If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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