I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
