please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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